made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
