I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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