god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
