I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
