My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
im holly from the hills drunk
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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