that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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