i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
