Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
