Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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