You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
