i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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