i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
