I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize