My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
