I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
