she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
