You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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