i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Randomize
