don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
