I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
