Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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