i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize