White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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