we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
