I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
