Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
