if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
