I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
