fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
