Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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