I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
