Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
