she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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