So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
