Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
