I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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