he puts the penis in happiness.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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