You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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