You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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