Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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