im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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