I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
