Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
