Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
