I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
