if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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