I'm going to rape someone's good day.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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