Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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