Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
