Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize