Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
