mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize