I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
