ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
