I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
