i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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