Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
