there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the condom got lost in my hair
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
