New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
