Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
