so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
