worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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