I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
