i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
