I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
