Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
time to smoke my breakfast
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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