True but thats because hes a fetus.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
