i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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